At least they admit to some of their bias, those Swedish perfume-swillers. I'm magnanimous enough to allow them it; what else has Sweden got going on? Just another trumped up little Euro smug-factory proclaiming itself the Judge and then lording it over the rest of the world. Sorry, I'm just being ignorant here.

These guys seem convinced that Van Morrison will play his 1968 Astral Weeks set next month at the Hollywood Bowl. I doubt the show will be excellent, and I have no intention of going there; I only mention it because that particular album is among my Top Five Personally Most Important Albums (Historical) -- an album that meant a great deal to my fragile little mind around two decades ago. Astral Weeks is a perfect album. It is also legendary as a panacea for drug-addled, bad-tripping, wacko heads, like a musical life-jacket in a sea of turmoil and confusion. It has a sort of peaceful purity that fills a bothered brain with hope and a love for life, a joy for living on the beautiful Earth, and it saved me from many loony freak-outs back when I was in frequent danger of such things. (None of this applies, btw, to any other Van Morrison album; those are all crap.) Even now, when I sing some of it to my head, my head gets a little weepy for it: and I will never grow so old again, and I will walk and talk in gardens all wet with rain, oh sweet thing, sweet thing, and I shall drive my chariot down your streets and cry, 'Hey it's me, I'm dynamite, and I don't know why', and you shall take me strongly in your arms again, and I will not remember that I ever felt the pain."

Hurray! Huzzah! What's another 700 Billion between Masters and Masses? We've got some Hope on the way, and some Change, yes, for the future of America's families, and so on!

It strikes me today -- like lightning strikes the man with the lightening rod up his chute -- that there are some people around here (I'm eyeballing them suspiciously from behind the camouflage of a newspaper, sunglasses, and Starbucks grande latte), American people who otherwise appear mostly normal, people with insured Japanese cars, thirty year mortgages (not in default), and recent ticket stubs on the tops of their refrigerators (nestled amongst the loose change, gum wrappers, and that thing with no obvious purpose), more or less people like you over there with the $200 shoes on, people who -- now here's the part right here -- people who actually believe in that bullshit.

Hope! Change! Believe it! I know, right?

• House Democrats try to sneak a provision into the Big Bailout Bill that would channel millions of dollars into lefty slush funds attached to organizations of dubious integrity, proving the hard edge of cynicism waxes in Washington.
• Congress passes the ProIP bill giving the entertainment doodad industry a big ole' chair in the White House for to prop up their failing business model (Weekend at Bernie's style)
• The new CCMRF army unit puts boots on the corpse of Posse Comitatus as NORTHCOM stations a combat force on domestic soil (just to help out with stuff).
• And finally -- drums roll in time to uncontrollable twitching and spontaneous fits of breaking stuff -- it's the $700 Billion Bailout / Pork Plan! -- like the birthing of a hideous beast from the decrepit womb of a corrupt congress. Break out the shovels, ye dispossessed: your Republic is dead.

This guy agrees with what I've been ranting about for years wrt a "right" to health care: "It's great soundbite," says that guy, "to say everyone has a 'right' to health care. But there is no 'right' that can only be recognized by forcing someone else to give up time, labor, and resources." That would make it, says me, a right to enslave health care workers, and slavery is illegal around here (I assume it still is; I haven't checked recently). See also the discussion in the comments section where the objections of "police protection" and "legal counsel" are put to rest.

Ah oui, it is so. And I was convinced it would be an American this time! Lousy Swedes.

Preamble
My fellow Americans, in these troubled times of curdled milk, gasoline shortages, and tedious political rhetoric, we must look beyond the tired ideas and disproved policies of the past, and instead set our sights upon a new set of ideas, a new kind of change. As optimistic patriots, we seek a world that has America in the ascendancy, no longer subject to the whim and fay fancy of our European cousins, no longer tied to the crippling fetters of energy scarcity, and no longer wondering where our next paycheck or dividend or trust-fund allowance will be coming from. That is why we have nominated our mentor and master, Doctor Übermensch Jones, as our write-in candidate for President of the United States. What follows are some highlights of his policy platform. All praise the Übermensch. All hail the Over-Animal.

Energy Policy

Other candidates will chatter on incessantly about reducing our dependency on foreign oil. Some maintain that we must increase domestic drilling, ignoring the fact that our domestic supply of oil is inadequate to meet the needs of our mighty industries. Meanwhile certain other candidates inanely suggest that alternative sources of energy should be developed in order to meet our terrific needs, but this is a plan without a possibility. It will take decades to develop such technologies, and they'll probably just suck as bad as windmills and solar panels do right now. But these yahoos ignore the obvious and simple solution to all our energy needs, and I can summarize the Jones plan for energy with two simple words: foreign conquest. Why allow our enemies and detractors to keep the oil beneath their feet when it is within our power to simply take it from them?

Taxes

I keep hearing chatter from the Republocrats about tax credits and tax refunds, tax caps and tax reductions, and so on. I swear, without the existing tax code they would have nothing with which to buy your vote. Under a Jones administration, taxes will cease entirely. As soon as adequate plunder from foreign conquest fills our government coffers, taxes upon Citizens will no longer be required, and instead a stipend shall be issued. We shall create a new government agency dedicated to siphoning money from our conquered foes and sending it to you our Citizens: the External Revenue Service. We shall establish stipend brackets in order to determine the amount you are owed: those who contribute more to our glorious society shall be paid more.

Education

The education policies of the past fifty years have failed! Despite spending more money on schools and teachers than any other country in the world, our children remain stupid, unable to comprehend what to do with their shoelaces. In order to correct this imbalance, we recommend a complete overhaul of the education system. Instead of attempting to prepare every child for a college education, we shall divide the ones with learning potential from the ones without by issuing IQ tests prior to high school. Those children measuring to the right of the bell curve shall proceed to colleges and universities to be trained as scientists, engineers, and strategic planners. Those others shall become laborers, craftsmen, tradespeople, and servicemen in our glorious armies. This will also ease our illegal immigration problems since we will have more Citizens to do the work that immigrants normally claim.

Health Care

My political opponents are so terribly concerned about health care, oh where will we get health care, who will pay our ballooning health care costs, blah blah. When Jones has the Power health care for Citizens shall be fully subsidized by plunder accrued through foreign conquest. So stop worrying about it, damn, shit, please.

The Sanctity of Life

Ha! I actually read that phrase in an opponent's platform: the sanctity of life. He then went on to register his terrible apprehension with regard to stem cells and human cloning. Bah! He is clearly ninety years old and too stuck in the morass of overdue senility to fully appreciate the opportunities we are only beginning to glimpse in these areas. In a King Jones Kingdom vats of human fetuses shall be filled from the wombs of regretful mothers-to-be in order to harvest their stem-cells. With these magnificent cells we shall then defy Disease and Illness so that each of us may grow as old and befuddled as my Republican opponent. Furthermore the science of human cloning shall be pursued vigorously in order to supply additional soldiers for our mighty military. Imagine an army of clone warriors sent out into the galaxy to wreak havoc! What glorious shock, what terrible awe! And we shall grow clones of our non-clones in order to provide replacement limbs and organs in the event of combat-related injuries requiring them. Eventually every Citizen shall have his or her own emergency backup clone. We shall all live forever! What wonders we shall see!

Postamble
These are just some of the new ideas offered by Doctor Jones and his clever staff of simple monkeys. Don't vote for the big-eared gigolo or the crotchety old coot; despite what they say, those guys just want to keep things they way they are: great for them, shitty for us guys. Only Übermensch Jones offers the Change We Need to Believe In. Vote Jones. Do it now. I said do it!

• Steampunk
• Social Networks
• Swimming Champions
• Salsa Flavored Snack Foods
• Salami (just kidding: salami is my second favorite of the Italian spiced meats, right after peperoni)

Not that I'm keeping a list or anything, but Jerry Yang, CEO of Yahoo, is another of these ass-squirrels who for some bewildering reason refuse to begin sentences with capital letters. Here he is letting 10% of his employees know they're fired without even giving them the dignity of proper capitalization while he does it. Pestilence and ruin to the non-capitalizers! (See also Aaron Seigo: Ass-Squirrel.)

• Best Filmed Entertainment of the month!: All the filmed entertainments were worse than good this month.
• Best Book of the month!: Neal Stephenson's Anathem. I loved this book like a little girl loves puppies. I felt sad and lonely when it ended.
• Best Cigar of the month!: Tatuaje Reserva J21. A little cloud of heaven in a little puff of smoke -- imagine me grinning.
• Best Thing of the month!: The aroma of wood-smoke drifting on the breeze of a cool October evening.
• Best Thing of the month! (runner-up): Phillies make the World Series. Suddenly I am a baseball fan! Imagine that.
• Worst Thing of the month!: My investment portfolio.
• Most Annoying Thing of the month!: Political advertisements. Those smug voice-overs, those cloying half-truths, they're making me eat my own fingers I'm so agitated by them. Please, for the love of Zeus, make them stop! I may need to enter a concent until November 4.

This movie might have been better for me if I hadn't first seen any of the commercials or trailers for it since those advertisements pretty much gave away all of the holy-crap moments. It's become evident that movie studios don't really care if you actually enjoy their films; they just want you to pay for them, and if putting all the cool shots into the trailer will get people to see it, then that's what they'll do. This isn't always a problem, not when the film in question has some depth, complexity, or a better than meagre story; but it is a problem for The Strangers, which has none of those things. Still, it might have done okay on mood and visual appeal alone, if not for the extremely frustrating ending -- SPOILERS -- It reminded me of the ending to The Mist, where all the hero protags get all the way to the edge of safety then blow their brains out before realizing it. Likewise, there's no reversal in The Strangers, no catharsis. There's not even any exposition to answer who or why. Some may argue that this makes the film more honest or realistic, but fie and foo, that's not why I watch movies; I have enough of that in my real life. So The Strangers can suck it. 3 out of 10.

This Obama, this dapper fellow Obama is a tool of the Kennedy wing of the Senate, a tool. Nobody goes from local politics through the US Senate and into the Oval Office in just a few years while remaining his own man, making his own choices, picking his own destiny. Obama is the Democrat version of George W. Bush; and he's even got his own old gargoyle vice-president to leer over his shoulder and guide the day-to-day affairs of state, making tiny course changes with his charge's own unsure hand. Anyone who believes all the hope-and-change talking points that the Oboomboom machine has been spewing into the atmosphere for more than a year now is a Grade-A Ignoramus. But Obama is the chosen one, the way Anakin was chosen by the Sith: chosen by creepy Senate elders to do their bidding in the Executive. That's right: Darth Obama. Which all helps perplex me about the legions of Obamatroopers all madly shouting at rallies, wearing fay little tee shirts and scurrying about knocking on doors, calling me on the phone (the fools, they all say "whasssuuuuuuup?" when they call, so I can immediately disconnect before they get into their Obamaspiel). I mean, it's bad enough to be somebody's tool, very bad very bad, but to be the tool of a tool? Have some dignity, people!

McCain is this decade's Bob Dole. It seems like whenever the election year's prognosis looks grim, the Republicans trot out one of their old geezers with a bank's worth of promises stored up and toss him into the race -- watch him leer and lurch about the campaign trail day-dreaming of pooping his pants in the Oval Office, but never really expecting anything out of it except to be rid of the old bastard after the election is over. So I cannot understand the McMinions any better than the Obamatroopers; why spend so much time and effort squabbling with one another, pointing accusations around like it's Thanksgiving dinner at Joe McCarthy's house, and generally digging one big hole to fill up another big hole (that means waste a lot of time and effort for you slow McMinion blog monitors) when the mission is hopeless, the rewards of victory insignificant, and the entire experience exasperating? (Sounds like my last girlfriend actually.) What the-- the dickens gets into people anyway?