Doctor Who has never been what one would call "hard" Science Fiction. Goofy Science Fiction is more accurate. Science Fiction-ish. But at least Science Fiction-y, like Star Wars or Star Trek or Star Gate. No longer! There are limits even to Goofy SF. There are still some *rules*. And a cell-phone computer virus that magically resets every clock in the world to 00:00 BREAKS ALL THE DAMN RULES! Giant eyeballs attached to the undersides of interstellar space-craft BREAK THE RULES! And some other thoughts on the 31st season premiere:

• The Doctor is now more a wizard than a doctor. His sonic screwdriver is now a magic wand. His TARDIS now a flying Hogwarts. Thank you JK Rowling!
• The new TARDIS interior is more baroque than ever, especially the console, which has attained steampunk features -- even *junk*-punk -- more Sanford and Son than Gallifrey, and very silly.
• The Doctor is now more superhero than scientist, one who boasts to flying saucer eyeballs of being Earth's protector, the conqueror of Daleks and Cybermen and Ice Warriors. He has lost all his humility.
• Matt Smith, the new actor cast in the role of the Doctor has a lumpy head.
• Steven Moffat, the new show-runner and author of this episode, returns to what seems his favorite theme: yearning. Lonely yearning. Lonely yawning yearning.
• The Doctor's new companion makes me feel old, and a little lecherous. She is young and sexy and young -- in that order. I never had this problem with Zoe or Romana II or Tegan.

I hate roofers,
they drop nails everywhere,
the nails get into my tires,
then I have to get new tires
just because of roofers.
I hate roofers.
And I don't care for you too much either.

People keep asking me, "Your Highness, what is your opinion of James Cameron's Avatar, highly regarded for its cinematography and tall thin blue creatures?"

And I answer unto them in my typical manner, saying, "Blah and sewer stink! Rabies!"

And they recoil in puzzlement, as they always do, then slowly wander away muttering to themselves. Later, I write a more complete answer in my webazinilog:

James Camaroon's Avatar is exactly the kind of clap-trap crap I feared it would be when I saw the trailers and filtered the buzz-noise several months before its release. It has nice special effects, and it looks good. But the similarities to something good end there, and the rest of it is crap. Listen!

There is a big evil Company with a big evil imperialist agenda built upon the moral foundation of quarterly profit statements. They have *no* regard for good Hollywood values; they even let their employees smoke indoors! And just look at their boss: he plays golf... indoors! Clearly all they care about is results, no matter how many giant blue savages have to be run over by giant yellow construction vehicles. Worst of all about them, and this is the true mark of Satan: they are anti-environmentalist. They come from a planet where there is no green! And they want to do the same thing to the forest moon of Endor!

Also there is a big evil mercenary Military who is clearly racist toward the indigenous people, blows up their sacred places and their housing trees with no regard for giant blue lives or giant blue welfare. Just look at all the trees around here, they point out in their absurd ignorance. Why can't the Navi just move?

This is James Cameron's simplistic view of the world. The Corporation is Evil, the Military is Evil, Science is Evil, Technology is the psychopathic offspring of Science and the Corporation, often in the service of Military, so it is the most foul, tree-killing evil of all. (Not counting all the Technology required to make his stupid movie.)

And these entities are all very one-dimensional. They have simple goals that allow the audience to skip having to think too hard (or at all) about who to root for. There is no alternative moral dimension that allows the humans to act morally. Imagine if unobtainium was the only cure to a terrible plague destroying all of humanity? What if the humans were desperate to save their families, their homes from a ruthless threat, and only the naive, uncompromising Navi stood in their way? Would a motivation like that have ruined, or even hurt, this film?

On the other hand, the Navoobi have all the good Hollywood values: respect for nature, a conservationist philosophy, and a primitive spiritualism with all the warm fuzzy lights a-glowing. Ah the noble savages with their big Disney eyes! They are all towering and beautiful. Did you notice any fat Navi? Any lazy Navi? Even the character who was slotted out to be Jake Sully's rival for the love of Neytiri does little more than shout and huff and push bodies around. Unlike with the humans, treachery is not in the DNA of the Navi. They are unspoiled by the cancers of Corporation, Military, Science, and Technology. And they are ridiculous.

So... well... the effects are great, the colors are nice, the planet Pandora is beautiful, and floating mountains look really cool (albeit absolutely ridiculous, and without a moment donated to trying to explain them). But I have to happily admit that during the big battle scene at the end I was rooting loudly for the humans.

Everyone jokes about Flock of Seagulls, mostly because of the hair. And the clothes. And the makeup. And the sparklies. But listen! Just go listen to "Space Age Love Song" and try -- just try! -- to avoid dancing around like a joyful retard. That song makes me smile the super big smile. It's huge like Canada!

Some observations:
* Once again one of the conflict resolutions is stupid and absurd as the Doctor defuses a bomb by talking to it. Granted this bomb is an android with emotions but it has no control over the bomb implanted in it, no matter how *human* it feels.

* The main plot resolution on the other hand is a good one: the Doctor must choose between saving the Earth and destroying the last remnant of the Daleks. He makes the right choice.

* Spitfires in space. I'm not sure if this was really cool, really stupid, or both. Ok yes, it was both really cool and really stupid.

* I am still not buying Matt Smith as a 1000 year old Time Lord. I don't believe I ever will.

* This Doctor is reckless beyond reason. He taunts a group of Daleks with nothing but a bluff and a prop cookie, attacks another with a giant wrench. Is he so eager to regenerate again? If written honestly, those Daleks would have killed him.

* The new Dalek shape is unnecessary and unwanted. The classic Dalek is iconic figure. There is no reason to change it even a little.

* Winston Churchill was pretty cool, as was shooting down German bombers with an energy weapon.

First thing I want to know is, why did the word "secretary" become pejorative? It seems like a perfectly fine word. Are we going to start calling the Secretary of State the Administrative Assistant of State?

Second: when is Software Engineer's Day? Isn't it a little sexist to pick an occupation held mostly by women and set a special day for it to give her presents, take her out to lunch? Would you do that for a predominantly male occupation like pipe fitter? Could you imagine a Pipe Fitter's Day when all the electricians and welders at the oil field take the pipe fitters out to lunch and buy them flowers?

Bah!

Beyond even the proprietary barricades around its products, Apple is evil because it employs the same shitty business tactics that everyone condemns Microsoft for employing. Five months ago Apple bought what was a nice, useful web-based music service called Lala. Today they killed it. First they crippled it, like a sadistic kitten pawing at the limbs of a terrified little mouse, then they killed it. Now it's just twitching, out there in the grass, squeaking for some solace from a rodent god that long ago abandoned it.